Judy Harlow And The Boob Window
by Oregano
Summary: General piece, for nostalgia's sake. Set in Season 2, kind of like one of those filler episodes with no real impact to the main plot of the season, but hopefully still entertaining.
1. Fugazi

**

JUDY HARLOW AND THE BOOB WINDOW

**  
By Oregano  
  
Hey kids. I found the beginning of this screenplay while I was snooping around in my files. I realised how much I missed writing in this format and decided to give it a go and continue it. This would be set circa Season Two, before Jess and Rory got together and Jess broke our hearts. Think of it as a throwback piece. A tribute to "back in the day" when it was all good. Hope you like it. I'm also in a screenplay-reformatting rampage, so check out the old ones if you have the chance. I've currently updated two. Thanks. --Ugly Author  
**   
FADE IN.  
  
EXT. STREET – DAY**  
LORELAI and RORY GILMORE are crossing the street, on their way to LUKE'S DINER. Lorelai catches a glimpse of her forearm and her eyebrows furrow with worry. She grabs Rory's arm and stops her.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Oh, my God.  
  
**RORY**  
What? What's wrong with your arm?  
  
**LORELAI  
**I think my wrist is withered.  
  
**RORY**  
Withered.  
  
**LORELAI**  
My wrist is.  
  
**RORY**  
Withered.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Yes!  
  
Lorelai shoves her wrist at Rory's face.  
  
**RORY**  
Your wrist is fine.  
  
**LORELAI**  
No, don't you see it?  
  
Lorelai raises her arm in front of her to examine it like a doctor would with an x-ray.  
  
**RORY**  
Hoo, boy.  
  
**LORELAI**  
It's… thinner… on one part. You know when you squeeze one of those long party balloons and it shrinks in one side?  
  
**RORY**  
I wouldn't know. I'm not a balloon squeezer.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Maybe it's my watch acting as a wrist girdle.   
  
**RORY**  
Maybe.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Or it could be—  
  
**RORY**  
Mom.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Hey, this could be a serious condition.  
  
**RORY**  
Like the phantom arm sticking out of your neck last year?  
  
**LORELAI**  
Why would you bring forth so many bad memories? Why?  
  
**RORY**  
To make you forget your withered wrist and possibly get some coffee while I've still got hair. That, or to get you to cross the other side of the road, therefore insuring my lifespan for at least one more minute.  
  
**LORELAI**  
(raises her eyebrow)  
Those are very self-serving reasons, if I may say so. You're not secretly plotting to take over the tri-county area by turning into a politician, are you?

**RORY**  
Come on, Chicken, cross the blasted road!

Lorelai gives her daughter a pretentious look and dances to the other side of the road. Rory follows.  


**   
INT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY (CONTINUOUS)**  
  
Luke's isn't very busy today, just a few customers scattered about the Diner. Lorelai and Rory take their seats on a nearby table. LUKE DANES comes out from the KITCHEN and walks over to them. He pulls out an order pad and starts writing before Lorelai can speak. She opens her mouth, but he cuts her off.  
  
**LUKE**  
Burgers with fries and pie.  
  
Luke turns to Rory.

**LUKE**  
Cheeseburger, chili fries.  
  
Rory and Lorelai share a look and then look up and smile expectantly at Luke. Luke sighs.

**LUKE**  
AND, coffee.  
  
Lorelai's smile grows wider.  
  
**LORELAI**  
You know us so well. You should move in with us. We can stay up all night...

**RORY**  
...braid each other's hair...

**LORELAI**  
Or, you can just wear a thong outside your pants, dance around in sweat and be a slave for us.   
  
**LUKE**  
As tempting as that sounds, I don't think I have the hair to become your personal Britney Spears. I'll be right back with your death wish in a mug.  
  
Luke exits.  
  
**LORELAI**  
(calls after Luke)  
How about a denim skirt that barely covers your ass and mud-wrestling in a dirty pit?!  
(turns to Rory)   
Now, back to my sickness.  
  
**RORY**  
The one concerning your mind?  
  
**LORELAI**  
IT'S WITHERED!  
  
Lorelai starts to wave her arm around.  
  
**RORY**  
Stop that!  
  
**LORELAI**  
It's like the tree bark on a sequoia! An old lady's skirt! An old, crumpled newspaper!  
  
Rory sighs and rests her arm on the table to hold her face up.  
  
**RORY**  
Fine, on with the Affliction Forum.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Great. So, as I was saying, maybe it could be the way I sleep…  
**   
**

**INT. LUKE'S APARTMENT - DAY   
**Luke enters the apartment. It seems empty, so he looks around with a questioning look on his face.

**LUKE**  
Jess? Where the hell are you? It's your shift and if you don't get out there, I'll... stop talking now because you obviously are not in the freaking apartment.

He turns and almost runs into JESS MARIANO.

**JESS**  
Talking to yourself again, Lucas? I distinctly remember putting the number for the local loony bin on a post-it and posting it on the fridge, if you're interested.

**LUKE**  
Where have you been? You're late for your shift.

**JESS**  
I had something to take care of.

** LUKE**  
I'm not going to get another one of those love letters from your principal, am I? 

**JESS**  
Well, if you're going to keep that burning passion buried deep inside, I wouldn't be so eager for Kirk to pass by.

**LUKE**  
Jess.

**JESS**  
Relax, Mr. Danes, it's nothing.

**LUKE**  
I don't believe you.

**JESS**  
And that is one of the main reasons our relationship can't work.

He smirks at Luke, takes his jacket off, and exits towards the diner.

**INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE - DAY**  
Lorelai sits leans on the counter, reading the newspaper when Rory enters. Lorelai puts the paper down quickly and does a pose for Rory.

**LORELAI**  
Child.

**RORY**  
Mother.

** LORELAI**  
Do I look smashing?

**RORY**  
This isn't going to be our regular greeting pattern in the morning, is it? Because only one _Austin Powers_ reference a month until Mike Myers teams up with Dana Carvey again will be manageable for me. Especially in the mornings. 

**LORELAI**  
Nah, I have a client coming over. She's getting married and wants to hijack the inn for all her matrimonial glory.

**RORY**  
You've faced clients in jeans and a Fugazi t-shirt. Why do you need to dress up now?

**LORELAI**  
First of all, that t-shirt is very presentable. The boob window brings out my eyes. Second, it's one of my mother's minions. Judy Harlow. She's finally managed to get her claws on a man. When she heard I had an inn, thanks to your grandmother's wonderful mouth, she thought of coming over to spy at me and see how I've been doing, probably to ultimately find a fictitious piece of crap and use that to turn all my friends against me.

**RORY**  
Yikes. She sounds evil.

**LORELAI**  
I went to school with her. She got along with my mother. "Evil" cannot even chip the iceberg of her persona. Her plan never worked though. I was too cool.

Lorelai fluffs her hair with false snootiness.

**RORY**  
I get along with Grandma. I'm not evil.

**LORELAI**  
A-ha, but you didn't go to school with me, therefore was not given the chance to be ridiculously jealous of my handsome boyfriend, your father, and my awesome fashion sense.

**RORY**  
Mom, you all wore uniforms.

**LORELAI**  
No, honey, _they_ all wore uniforms. I just wore the skirt. With the Fugazi top.

**RORY**  
And the circle of conversation is complete!

**LORELAI**  
I love how we do that.

They both grab their coffees and exit the house.

**EXT. BUS STOP - DAY**   
As Rory gets off the bus, carrying her books, she sees Jess stepping out of the Diner across the way. She starts to call after him, but suddenly stops when she realises that Jess is sneaking away.

With a furrow of her brow, she follows him.

**INT. INDEPENDENCE INN - DAY**  
Lorelai is behind the counter with MICHEL GERARD, playing the computer. She taps the keyboard incessantly until we hear a BOOM.

**LORELAI**   
Oooh, I'm kicking your ass, Michel!

Michel stares at her lazily.

**MICHEL**   
I'm not even playing. I don't even have the slightest idea why you're so fascinated by that screen. It's loud, it's blinding, it's a two-dimensional triangle firing dots at a pixelation.

**LORELAI**  
That "pixelation" is a level three boss, my friend, and I just kicked it's ass with the two-dimensional triangle that fires dots. Yoo-hoo!

**MICHEL**   
(looks OC)  
I think your evil friend has just entered the lobby.

We see JUDY HARLOW walking in, carrying her coat on her arm, waiting for assistance.

**LORELAI**  
I'll give you my new corduroy pants if you take over.

**MICHEL**  
What would I do with your ridiculous clothing?

Judy walks over to the front desk, smiling widely.

**JUDY**  
Lorelai!

**LORELAI**  
(mumbles to Michel)   
Strangle yourself with the pant leg, that's what.   
(to Judy)  
Hey, Judy! How are you doing?

**JUDY**  
Oh, I'm great! Getting married--I'm on Cloud Nine!

**MICHEL**  
Did she just say, "Cloud Nine"?

**LORELAI**  
Gah, Judy, this is Michel, our concierge. Believe me, he's not as mean as he looks.

Michel gives Lorelai a death glare.

**LORELAI**   
(taken aback)   
Oh, or maybe he is. Come on, I'll show you around.

Lorelai leads Judy around back and makes a face at Michel.

**EXT. BEHIND THE SCHOOL - DAY**   
Jess enters with his hands in his pockets. He seems to be looking around for something.

Rory decides to make an appearance. She steps out from behind a tree and walks towards Jess.

**RORY**  
Excellent place to hide a dead body.

Jess turns quickly at the sound of her voice.

**JESS**  
The idea did flash into my mind.

**RORY**   
Why are you all jumpy?

**JESS**   
I'm not.

**RORY**   
Then why are you backing away from me like I'm one of the Osmonds and you're Ozzy?

**JESS**  
Nothing, I--

Just then, a small WHIMPER comes out of nowhere. Jess looks alarmed.

**RORY**  
What was that?

**JESS**   
What was what?

The WHIMPER turns into a BARK.

**RORY**  
Now don't tell me you didn't hear that, Jess.

**JESS**  
Hear what?

**RORY**  
I heard a bark.

**JESS**  
I didn't bark.

**RORY**  
I didn't say you barked. Jess?

**JESS**  
Rory?

Suddenly a giant St. Bernard runs into the scene and jumps Jess, nearly toppling him over. Jess pets it for a second and then turns to Rory. She looks at him with a small smile on her face.

**JESS**  
This goes out to no one.

**RORY**  
Jess has little puppy to play with!

**JESS**  
I just found him okay? It didn't have anywhere else to go, so...

**RORY**  
I've always had this fear of getting stuck in drain pipes, but now you have Lassie here, my fears are totally out that window!

**JESS**  
Very amusing.

**RORY**  
So, what'd you name it?

**JESS**  
(shrugs)  
I don't know. We haven't bonded too closely since I just found him this morning.

Rory bends down and tries to pet the dog. It snarls at her and she immediately gets up.

**RORY**  
Gah!

**JESS**  
(smirking)  
Dog's got taste.

**RORY**  
(sadly)  
I never could get along with animals. 

**JESS**  
The Disney Princess facade's a cruel farce on God's part.  
(beat)  
Rory.

The dog looks up at Jess. So does Rory.

**RORY**  
What?

**JESS**  
I named him Rory.

**RORY**  
You associate me with a large snarling dog that can rip your throat out? I honestly don't know if that's a compliment or an insult.

**JESS**  
I thought it suit him.

**RORY**  
Oh, he's a man-dog, too. That's very touching. Thanks.

A silence falls upon them. Jess keeps petting the dog while Rory looks around nervously.

**RORY**  
Uh, don't you have school?

**JESS**  
Some holiday. Shouldn't you be with Dean right about now?

Rory's eyes suddenly widen. She glances at Jess for a moment and then breaks into a run.

**RORY**  
I'll see you!

**JESS**  
Watch out for that tree!

But it's too late. Just as Rory turns to find the said tree, she smacks face first into it and crumples to the floor.

**JESS**  
Rory!


	2. Jim Carrey

JUDY HARLOW AND THE BOOB WINDOW  
By Oregano

**INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE - LATER**  
The door opens and Jess enters, carrying Rory. Human Rory, that is. Dog Rory follows behind.

**RORY**  
(grogy)  
What's going on? Why am I floating? I'm not in a pool, am I?

**JESS**  
You ran into a tree.

He puts her down on the couch and walks into the kitchen.

**RORY**  
No, seriously, what happened?

**JESS (OC)**  
Okay, you caught me. You were running away from me...

He appears with a towel and some ice.

**JESS**  
(cont'd)  
And this jerk of a tree just stood up from its roots and went straight at you, whamming you to the ground!

**RORY**  
I ran into a tree?

**JESS**  
Yes. You ran into a tree.

**RORY**  
I ran into a tree?

**JESS**  
(putting the ice on her nose)  
Did you want an NFL-esque slow-motion play-by-play? You ran into a tree.

**RORY**  
But... I don't run into trees.

**JESS**  
That is the natural order of things; trees stay where they are and the homo-sapiens just walk around it. Your probably just a new breed of evolutionary human. Where's your mom?

**RORY**  
Uh, hang on. Oh, the Inn. Why?

**JESS**  
I am doing the chivalrous thing and calling your mother to tell her about this incident, therefore removing me of any blame she may hold against me in the near future for Marcia Brady-ing your face.

**RORY**  
Chivalrous. Where's your application for the Round Table?

**JESS**  
Oh, it's on its way as we speak.

Jess reaches for the phone and starts to dial. Just as he puts it to his ear, Rory tears it off his face.

**RORY**  
No, wait! Her evil friend's over there. This won't look good.

**JESS**  
It doesn't look good now.

He tosses her a box of tissues and nods to her bleeding nose.

**RORY**  
Just don't call her.  
  


**INT. LUKE'S DINER - A FEW SECONDS LATER**  
The phone behind the counter rings and Luke comes up to answer it.

**LUKE**  
Yeah.  
(beat)  
She what? Are you sure you didn't grab her face and slam it there? Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.  
  


**INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE - LATER STILL**  
Rory's still on the couch, with an icepack on her forehead.

**JESS**  
Just stick it in there!

**RORY**  
No!

**JESS**  
Why the hell not?!

**RORY**  
It's embarrassing!

**JESS**  
(sighs)  
Rory, you already ran into a tree. Stuffing your nose with a Kleenex can't possibly make it worse.

Rory frowns and begrudgingly sticks a piece of tissue paper up her nose.

**LUKE **(OC from outside)  
Hey! I'm here!  
  
He comes into the living room carrying a grocery bag.

**LUKE**  
Okay, I got some aspirin, Betadine, Iodine, which I don't know the difference from Betadine, but it looked medical so I bought it, cotton, gauze, that human tape thing that's worse to get off than a band aid...

He looks to his right and pauses. Dog Rory is jumping at Luke's hip with his hind legs.

**LUKE**  
Why is there a dog here?

**JESS**  
Rory, stop humping Luke!

**LUKE**  
Gah, excuse me?

**RORY**  
The dog's name is Rory. And he's not humping you!

As Rory glares at Jess, Luke thinks for a moment.

**LUKE**  
Coincidence? Freak neighbour with scary interest for Rory? Really big _Eight Simple Rules_ fan?

**RORY**  
Nah, Jess named him.

**LUKE**  
Ah, so it's the second choice.

**JESS**  
Excuse me?

**LUKE**  
Nothing, I didn't say... anything.

Luke sighs, ignores the dog and walks over to Rory.

**INT. INDEPENDENCE INN - SAME DAY**  
Lorelai is showing Judy around and brings her into the KITCHEN. 

**LORELAI**  
This is our kitchen. It's fully furnished and has all those cooking devices cool enough and complicated enough to make James Bond cry. And Our Sean Connery is Sookie St. James, and seriously, the best. Food. Ever.  
  
**JUDY**  
This is fabulous.  
  
Lorelai grins oddly.  
  
**JUDY**  
(off Lorelai's look)  
What?  
  
**LORELAI**  
No, uh, you just... you just looked so much like my mother when you said that. It was creepy.  
  
Judy says nothing but gives Lorelai a curt nod.  
  
Suddenly a pan flies across them, nearly hitting Judy in the face. From behind the cooking shelf, we hear SOOKIE ST. JAMES.  
  
**SOOKIE (OC)**  
Whoops!  
  
She runs towards Lorelai and Judy, both of whom are rather shocked to be almost killed by a flying pan.  
  
**LORELAI**  
God, Sookie, was that a pan?!  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Yeah, I was just--  
(makes a throwing gesture)  
Then the pan went--  
(makes a "phsew!" sound and whips around)  
  
**LORELAI**  
All right. We totally understand you there.  
  
Sookie smiles sheepishly and wipes her hand in her apron, just noticing Judy.  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Oh, is this your friend from high school?  
  
**LORELAI**  
Ah, yeah, Sookie, this is Judy Harlow.  
(to Judy)  
Judy, this is Sean Connery and won't try to kill you with a pan the next time around.  
  
**SOOKIE**  
(Sean Connery voice)  
Greetings, madam. I assure you that's the first time that's ever happened.  
(giggles at herself)  
  
As one of her assistants passes by to get the pan back, he hears Sookie and SNORTS.  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Hey!

Lorelai exits, but shares a "God, I hate this!" look with Sookie as she does.

  
**  
INT. INDEPENDENCE INN - GARDENS - LATER**  
Lorelai is still showing Judy around.  
  
**LORELAI**  
So I was thinking that this would be the perfect place to hold the ceremony. Flowers, balloons, maybe set up a piano over on that side... one couple even had swans over here one time. Seemed better in threory rather than execution, because one of the kids fed it something and it went berserk. Two people actually went to the Emergency Room.  
  
**JUDY**  
(rather appalled)  
How lovely.  
  
**LORELAI**  
God, there you go again, Emily-ing it up.

Suddenly Judy whirls at Lorelai, angry.  
  
**JUDY**  
Lorelai, do you not want me as your client?  
  
**LORELAI**  
What are you saying? Of course I do!  
  
**JUDY**  
Because truthfully, between that rude concierge, the killer cook and swans that attack people, I don't feel that you're too keen on my hiring this inn for my wedding. There's also that fact that you keep reminding me that I remind you of Emily. She's a wonderful woman, but I'm aware that you don't feel the same way I do on the matter, and--  
  
**LORELAI**  
I hated you in high school!  
  
**JUDY**  
What?

Lorelai pauses. But her annoyance gets the best of her and she explodes.  
  
**LORELAI**  
I hated you, so much, in high school. I know you know that, Judy. I know! You kept following me around, saying bad things about me, and I distinctly remember a plan you had to steal Christopher away from me with the help of Jell-O. I don't know why I remember that, but I do. We were enemies, Judy. We were at war. And since we're in this honest state of mind, I would love to take this time to ask you, after all that crap and terrible history, why, why in the world and the name of all things holy would you want your wedding at your worst enemy's country inn?!  
  
Judy just looks at her, stupified.  


**INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE - AFTERNOON**  
Lorelai trudges into the house, tired and annoyed.  
  
**LORELAI (to OC)**  
Rory! Momma's home and she needs you to whip out a fruit hat, hold a margarita and sing "Copa Cabana" to her!  
  
She walks into the living room and sees Dog Rory. She looks at it for a moment and tilts her head.  
  
**LORELAI**  
(to Dog Rory)  
This is very Roald Dahl of you, Kiddo. Those damned witches develop a taste for the canine variety now?  
  
**RORY (OC)**  
Mom, I'm in the kitchen!  
  
**LORELAI**  
Oh, thank God I don't have to beat up Angelica Houston. Because she can totally take me on.  
  
Lorelai enters the kitchen and SCREAMS.  
  
**LORELAI**  
What the hell happened to you?! You look like you should be in Beverly Hills bunking up with Anna Nicole!  
  
We see that Rory has a huge bruise on her forehead and a tissue is stuck up her nose.  
  
Jess comes out from behind Lorelai.  
  
**JESS**  
She ran into a tree.  
  
**LORELAI**  
She what?!  
  
**JESS**  
I have a feeling that I should just tape myself saying that and play it over and over.  
  
Lorelai looks at Jess as if he has just grown a second nose.  
  
**RORY**  
It's his new catchphrase.  
  
**LORELAI**  
You'll make millions.  
(beat)  
Guh, what are you doing here, if you don't mind my asking?  
  
**JESS**  
What if I did?  
  
**LORELAI**  
I don't have time for the cute stuff, Bobby. What are you doing in my house?  
  
**RORY**  
He was taking care of me.  
  
**LUKE (OC)  
**Okay, I finally got this stupid thing open...  
  
Luke walks in carrying a dilapitated box of gauze.  
  
**LUKE**  
(cont'd)  
You'd think for emergencies, they'd make the damend packaging easier to rip off, but no. They want you to bleed to death before getting any treatment... oh, hi Lorelai.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Why are we being taken over by the Diner Boys?!  
  
**LUKE**  
Hey!  
  
**RORY**  
They were tending to my care.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Why didn't you call me?  
  
**RORY**  
Because your evil friend was with you and this'd make things look bad...  
  
**LORELAI**  
Well, even if you had called, saying your face was falling off, I don't think I'd have made much of a difference. She passed on us.  
  
**LUKE**  
Why?  
  
**LORELAI**  
I went Jim Carrey on her.  
  
**RORY**  
Oh, no! You're scary when you go Jim Carrey!  
  
**LORELAI**  
Honey, I'm aware. Thus the reason she passed on us.  
  
**RORY**  
That sucks.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Well, considering I don't have to work with Judy Harlow, I'm not dying to throw myself off a cliff over the loss.  
  
The phone suddenly RINGS. Lorelai walks to the living room to get it.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Hello?  
(beat)  
Oh, hi Dean.  
  
**JESS**  
That's my cue.  
  
**RORY**  
Jess...  
  
**LUKE**  
Yeah, you're mom's already here, anyway.  
  
**RORY**  
Well, thanks you guys.  
  
Luke nods and exits. Jess takes his coat and does the same to Rory, then salutes to Lorelai.  
  
Lorelai just rolls her eyes and gives the phone to Rory.

Just then, her own cell phone rings. She answers it.

**LORELAI**  
Hello?

** EMILY**  
Lorelai?

Lorelai smacks her head with the heel of her palm.

**LORELAI**  
Hi, Mom.


	3. Old Yeller

**JUDY HARLOW AND THE BOOB WINDOW**  
By Oregano  
  
  
**INT. EMILY AND RICHARD'S RESIDENCE – DAY**  
EMILY GILMORE is on her sofa, talking to Lorelai on the phone.  
  
**EMILY**  
Judy Harlow just called me and she said that you refused to rent the inn out to her for her wedding.  
  
**LORELAI**  
What?  
  
**  
INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE – DAY (CONTINUOUS)**  
Lorelai can't believe it.  
  
The crap begins.  
  
**LORELAI**  
I did no such thing, Mom!  
  
The scenes switch from Lorelai at home with Emily at hers as they talk.  
  
**EMILY**  
Then why did she say this?  
  
Emily puts a voice recorder to the phone and presses a button.  
  
**JUDY**  
(recorded)  
Emily, Lorelai just told me I couldn't get married at the inn! She was terribly rude and—  
  
**LORELAI**  
Oh. My God. You actually recorded this?  
  
Emily glares at the tape recorder and turns it in her hand.  
  
**EMILY**  
No, I accidentally pressed something on this contraption and it just started to make this whirring noise. The phone was on speaker mode and… I didn't mean to record my conversation, Lorelai. I'm not starring in Sliver, for God's sake.  
  
**LORELAI**  
But why do you have that contraption in pressing reach in the first place?  
  
**EMILY**  
I have no idea. The fact still stands that you've slighted poor Judy Harlow!  
  
**LORELAI**  
She is handsome, but not enough to tempt me!  
  
**EMILY**  
Lorelai, will you stop horsing around? The girl is so upset.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Mom, can you put that recorder up to your face and say, "horsing around" again?  
  
**EMILY**  
Lorelai I'm serious! You call that girl right now and apologise to her!  
  
Lorelai is flabbergasted.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Excuse me?  
  
**EMILY**  
(beat)  
She's driving me crazy, Lorelai. It's almost as if that horrid grandmother of yours was visiting! She's been calling me non-stop for the past hour and I am ready to set myself on fire.  
  
**LORELAI**  
What?! You love Judy!  
  
**EMILY**  
I'd rather eat your father's cigar ash! She's the clingiest little thing I've ever met! I thought she was out of our lives as soon as you—  
(beat)  
I mean, when you… separated yourself from Chilton.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Mom, you can say, "as soon as you got pregnant and ran away." I'm over it, and you should be, too. I think it's even safe to joke about it now.  
  
**EMILY**  
Get her to stop calling me, Lorelai!  
  
**LORELAI**  
Why don't you just tell her, "Hey, Judy, I know Lorelai rocks and she's cooler than you, but can you stop calling me?"  
  
**EMILY**  
I can't! That stupid girl's mother is one of the chair people in the DAR! I'll be—  
  
**LORELAI**  
Shunned by all the Daughters of the American Revolution as long as you live?  
  
**EMILY**  
In your crude words, yes.  
  
**LORELAI**  
That's why people don't like high society. I, ah, I'll try and figure something out.  
  
**EMILY**  
Please do!  
  
**  
INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE – DAY (CONTINUOUS)**  
Lorelai hangs up and sighs.  
  
**LORELAI**  
This is great, Judy. I hope you fall down and twist your nose!  
  
**RORY**  
Mom, Dean's coming over, okay?  
  
**LORELAI**  
He heard about your face?  
  
**RORY**  
(somber)  
Yes.  
  
**LORELAI**  
I'm actually excited to the day when we can say, "Hey, Rory, remember that time when you ran into a tree and we had to cover your whole head with bandages?" like the pony story.  
  
**RORY**  
Why would you mention the pony story now?  
  
**LORELAI**  
Or the time when you closed the car door on your shirt and it ripped right above the boob?  
  
**RORY**  
Mom!  
  
**LORELAI**  
Oh, wait, that was me.  
  
Someone knocks on the back door and Lorelai opens it to let DEAN inside.  
  
**DEAN**  
Hey.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Hey, mister.  
  
**DEAN**  
I brought you pie.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Oh, Dean rocks!  
  
**RORY**  
We love Dean!  
  
**LORELAI**  
Dean's the man!  
  
**RORY**  
Gimme my pie!  
  
**DEAN**  
So, why were you hanging out with the greenery today and not at the bus stop like we agreed?  
  
Dean takes a seat next to Rory and starts cutting the pie.  
  
**RORY**  
I, uh, I met this friend and we got talking and then we lost track of time and then, you know, I saw my watch and, yeah…  
  
**DEAN**  
So you ran into a tree for me? That's sweet.  
  
**RORY**  
I know. It'll be your turn next time.  
  
Suddenly Dog Rory comes into the kitchen.  
  
Dean raises an eyebrow.  
  
**DEAN**  
This is new, right? I mean, I didn't overlook this dog for the past two years?  
  
**LORELAI**  
Oh, shoot! They forgot their dog!  
  
**DEAN**  
Whose dog is this?  
  
Lorelai goes over to the phone and dials. Just as she is about to put the phone into her ear, someone KNOCKS at the front door.  
  
Lorelai disappears for a moment to get the door and comes back into the kitchen with Jess trailing behind her.  
  
**JESS**  
Let's go, Rory.  
  
**DEAN**  
She's not going anywhere with you, Jess.  
  
Jess smiles, not missing a beat.  
  
**RORY**  
Dean, it's—  
  
**JESS**  
She can go anywhere she wants, the fact still stands that she's practically my dog.  
  
**DEAN**  
What?!  
  
Jess's smile grows wider.  
  
**DEAN**  
You ass.  
  
**RORY**  
No, Dean, Jess meant the dog! The dog's name is Rory, too!  
  
She glares at Jess, who raises his hands up defensively.  
  
**JESS**  
Hey, it's not my fault Dean here's waltzing backwards.  
  
**RORY**  
Jess, can you just take the dog and go?  
  
Jess looks at Rory and smirks. He takes Dog Rory by the collar and leads it out the back door.  
  
**JESS**  
Bye, kids.  
  
**  
EXT. GILMORE RESIDENCE **  
Luke is waiting in front of the house. Once Jess is outside with Dog Rory, he looks at him warily and crosses his arms in front of himself.  
  
**LUKE**  
You did it to Dean, didn't you?  
  
**JESS**  
I don't know what you're talking about.  
  
**LUKE**  
You just had to do it.  
  
**JESS**  
He was basically asking for it.  
  
**LUKE**  
One of these days, he's just going to, without warning, raise his foot and step on you.  
  
**JESS**  
I'll keep that in mind, and a really big feather in my pocket so I can just tickle my way out.  
  
**LUKE**  
You're impossible.  
  
**JESS**  
That's what I'm known for.  
  
  
**INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE**  
Dean looks at where Jess has just exited and sits back down.  
  
Lorelai comes over and offers him a soda.  
  
**DEAN**  
He has a dog named after you now?  
  
**LORELAI**  
Mucho creepy, if you ask me.  
  
**RORY**  
It's not creepy! He was just being Jess, naming me after a wild beast.  
  
**DEAN**  
Rory, that was a St. Bernard, not… Old Yeller, when, you know, he went bonkers.  
  
**RORY**  
It's nothing, alright? Just forget about the dog for one second because I really don't enjoy frowning when my face is bruised. It's painful and not helping any.  
  
Dean sighs and nods. He gets up.  
  
**RORY**  
Where are you going?  
  
**DEAN**  
I have some stuff to do at home. Homework. I guess I'll just call you later.  
  
**RORY**  
Dean…  
  
**DEAN**  
No, it's okay, Rory, I'll see you tomorrow. Put some steak on that thing and you'll be fine.  
  
He gives her a small kiss and exits.  
  
Lorelai sits on the chair that Dean has just vacated.  
  
**LORELAI**  
That went well.  
  
**RORY**  
Stupid Jess! I wish he was the one who ran into a tree!  
  
  
**EXT. SIDEWALK**  
Luke and Jess are walking back to the diner, with Dog Rory following behind.  
  
Suddenly the dog breaks into a run, nearly making Luke topple over.  
  
**LUKE**  
Gah! Stupid dog!  
  
**JESS**  
Where the hell is it going?  
  
They both stare OC.  
  
We hear a car HONK and a loud SCREECH.  
  
Luke and Jess stand stunned, still staring OC.  
  
**LUKE**  
That's very weird.  
  
**JESS**  
It's like he wanted to die.  
  
**LUKE**  
A suicidal dog.  
  
**JESS**  
Why didn't you go after it?!  
  
**LUKE**  
What?  
  
**JESS**  
The dog! It was running away, and you didn't do anything!  
  
**LUKE**  
Well, it was mainly the fact that he practically ran me over affected my balance and attention, and you weren't in any hurry to run after it, either!  
  
**JESS**  
So what now?  
  
**LUKE**  
It was your dog.  
  
  
**EXT. INDEPENDENCE INN – A FEW DAYS LATER**  
Judy Harlow is in a wedding dress and is walking down the aisle with a giant smile on her face.  
  
Lorelai and Michel stare after her from afar with disgust.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Evil, I tell you.  
  
**MICHEL**  
Manipulated you, used your mother, and got almost sixty per-cent off the whole cost for the place.  
  
**LORELAI**  
I wonder what fabric that dress is and how strong it is compared to steel. Because no man-made cloth can ever cover up her horns and tail as well as that dress.  
(beat)  
If she wasn't so unlikeable, I actually think I'd look up to her bargaining prowess.   
  
We PAN LEFT and see Rory behind them, eating a cookie with a band-aid on the bridge of her nose.  
  
She looks up.  
  
**RORY**  
I think they're almost done, Mom.  
  
  
**EXT. CRAP SHACK**  
Luke is standing in front of a small ditch with a rather sour expression. He puts his arms at his hips.  
  
**LUKE**  
I think that's deep enough, don't you think?  
  
We see that he is actually talking to Jess, who is in the ditch, digging a hole. He straightens up.  
  
**JESS**  
Why don't you come over here and see? Bring the other shovel with you.  
  
**LUKE**  
It's fine, Jess.  
  
Jess digs a bit more and finally stops.  
  
**JESS**  
That'll do.  
  
Luke nods and pulls out a big crate that says "canned peaches" from behind a tree.  
  
**LUKE**  
I really with you hadn't named it Rory. Now it's going to be all weird burying a dog named after this girl we actually know.  
  
**JESS**  
Hey, I didn't expect for the dog to be bipolar with a hint of suicidal stupidity, okay?  
  
They heave the box into the hole and start putting the dirt back on it.  
  
Lorelai and Rory walk over, looking somber.  
  
Luke and Jess finish burying the dog and the four of them stand in front of the small grave.  
  
**LORELAI**  
He was a good dog, for the few minutes I knew him.  
  
**RORY**  
He never did like me.  
  
**JESS**  
It was like Sylvia Plath reincarnated.  
  
**LUKE**  
Thanks for the space, Lorelai.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Hey, it was either here or our yard. And ghost dog in our yard? No thank you.  
  
**RORY**  
He was a brave soul, lingering for a few days.  
  
**LUKE**  
It wasn't brave, it was trying to creep us out.  
  
**RORY**  
What are you talking about?  
  
**LUKE**  
You didn't have to live with the wheezing and the panting and the immobility of this dog.  
  
**JESS**   
The nights were the worst.   
  
  
**EXT. INDEPENDENCE INN**  
The reception has started and everyone is having fun.  
  
Michel looks on distastefully and leans towards a SERVER.  
  
**MICHEL**  
Release the swans.  
  
  
**FADE OUT.**  



End file.
